August 13th 2023, a little over a year ago now, was the worst day of my entire life. The day my love, my partner, my rock, my protector, my everything passed away after a battle with brain stem cancer. It is still just as hard today as it was on that day. And I still try to do the things everyone says to do when you lose your life partner, “remember all the wonderful things” and “hold strong to what we shared together”. Those are supposed to be like magic keys to getting through the pits of despair.
And while I can now remember quite a few, none make me smile as much as the first of the “wonderful things” — the way we met. Not a lot of people knew about the way we met, no one really ever asked so we never made a big story out of it; it was just our story. That is, until we met the hospital chaplain, on his first visit into my partner, Stephen’s room. After a few short introductions, he asked about our relationship to each other. “I’m his partner,” I said proudly and affectionately. He smiled widely and asked with genuine interest in his eyes, “How did you two meet?” I instantly remembered everything; how special Stephen was from the first moment I saw him. And through what was the beginning of some tears, I told the chaplain how we came to be.
It was April in 2015. We were both shopping at a Macy’s Department Store — when people still shopped at Macy’s Department Stores. And I spotted him from across several departments. Our eyes just happened to meet and as I nervously looked away I felt something I’d never felt in my life before. My neck got stiff, I got a little dizzy and there was this tingling happening from the top of my head down to my shoulders. I immediately wanted to look again; I was so nervous though. But, dang it, I wanted to anyway and when I did — he was gone. Until I turned around to look at something else behind me and there he was … closer this time! I was freaking out. “What do I do? What do I do?”
The tingling moved further down into my back and all the sudden I thought I was stuck, frozen right there in front of the cologne counter. I swear I was sweating like a sinner in church. Then I said to myself. “I just need to meet him. I need to know him — like, right now. Like, hurry.” My heart skipped a ton of beats, and I thought I was going to pass out, burping and farting on the way down from anxiety. But even as that horrifying thought raced through my mind, all the sudden I got up the nerve to say hello.
“Those are some really funny socks.” I blurted, motioning to a display of what looked like easter themed socks, next to stacks of shirts and jeans.
Oh My God! I can’t believe my first words were about SOCKS! And after dying on the inside just a little and laughing nervously for much too long, he actually giggled a little and we started talking. Right there. Just stopped everything and talked. “I’m Sean,” I said, fumbling on my own name. And he said, “Cool! I’m Stephen.” And during that introduction, we found out that not only did he work where my friend and roommate worked, but he had a brother named Sean and I had a brother named Steven. So, you see, it was totally kismet, our meeting. And in the middle of the men’s department, between the cologne counter and a rack of Lucky Brand Jeans, our friendship and love was born.
It’s so incredibly important to remember the wonderful things. They won’t make things better; they won’t make things easier. But maybe they can fill the pit of despair with warmth. And maybe that warmth will help me hold strong to what we shared together.
