I just had a thought. Well, okay several. An ADHD App I use has a Daily Community Question. It’s a safe place for people to talk about their mental health, struggles and successes. A place to feel seen, heard, understood, and encouraged.
This morning, the question was “What is one thing you plan to do differently this holiday season?” Man, I came up with a whole list; I couldn’t think of just one thing.
I started with, “Don’t procrastinate. Make sure I take time for myself so that the time with others is spent well. Don’t clam up when in groups and don’t over do it in response to not clamming up. Remember to be myself.” I stopped there because that last one got to me. I put my phone down, laid my head on the edge of the dining room table, and started crying. Crying loud enough to wake my sleeping puppy who came over, jumped up, licked the tears from my cheeks and curled up in my lap.
I realized at that moment that I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone. Someone I’m not. I’ve spent so much of my life hating who I think I am that I really did find myself clamming up in groups — even with some individuals, too — or overdoing it as a reaction to that.
I do procrastinate because I’m afraid of the outcome. I know it’s not going to go well; I’m going to fail; others will judge me or just plain ignore me altogether. I’ll go out with the gang next time. I’ll visit the family for the next holiday. I’ll write my next chapter or song later. I’ll do it when I figure out who I really want to be, then everything else will fall into place.
But it doesn’t work that way. Well, it hasn’t for me, anyway. Every time I’ve announced that I’ve got a “new thing” I’m doing, I get words of encouragement and I begin, share what I’ve done so far and then I can’t continue. Then I announce something new and I get less encouragement. Announce again. Fail. Each time. Less response.
“This sucks! I’m not like him and it sounds like it. No wonder nobody listens. I should never have told anyone about this.”
“I hate myself so much! Why can’t I be more like them? No wonder nobody wants to read this. I’ve never been anything and I’m not going to be either!”
What had never come to mind was that the issue wasn’t with what I was doing. It was who I was trying to be while I was doing it. And that “who” couldn’t do what I wanted, because I didn’t know “who” that was. I won’t ever know.
There are literally hundreds of books, songs and movies that preach “Be Yourself”. So I know this isn’t some new revelation. But at the same time, it is. Because I finally stopped and began to look at all the things that make me “me”. I took a moment to think about what it would be like to stop trying to be someone else, or do something like someone else. What is it that other people see that makes them encourage me? And I began making a short list in my head: imaginative, smart, insightful, ambitious, friendly, caring, kinda funny …
I started to love the list.
Why can’t I just be all those things? I mean, I’m already all those things. Why do I want to be something else? Maybe I should start being friendly to myself. And caring.
This doesn’t mean I can’t strive for things, or have goals and dreams. It means that I do those things I really want and be myself while I’m doing them. Then, doing those things will make me more “me”.
So, this holiday season I won’t procrastinate. I’ll make sure I take time for myself so that the time with others is spent well. I won’t clam up when in groups or over do it in response to not clamming up. And, most of all, I’ll remember to be myself.
